Trans: Across; over; beyond; to change.
Is that what this is? A sex change? For most people who know me, I would suppose there actually isn't too much changing going on in the most literal of senses. I mean, sure~my voice has dropped a few octaves, my shoulders have instantaneously become buff from working out, my curvy hips and thighs have dissolved somewhat to give me a more rugged, angular silhouette, my hairline has receded ever so slightly above my temples, giving me the long awaited debonair look my British grandfather carried off so well. My body has also become "fuzzier" all over, and my face sometimes displaying a whispering hint of my sandy blond five o'clock shadow.
With all of this said, am I really that different?
I mean, I didn't have some insane ZZ Top beard overnight. My voice might be slightly deeper, but I still have the same vocal intonations and speech patterns to make it recognizable. (Well, unless your my mother, and then sometimes she doesn't know it's me without caller ID... So sad, when your own mother can't always recognize your voice upon answering. Sigh~)
I was explaining to a friend of mine how this transition of mine seems more metaphorical than anything. (Thoughts of Yentl now coming to mind. We all still knew that it was just Barbra in a yarmulke, so how did Mandy miss all of the physiological cues-the absent beard, so forth? It was because there was a metaphorical shift, rather than a radical shift is physiology.)We are told, "Now we will refer to this person as ________. Now we will see them this way."
Many trans folks do have very tangible physical changes once they begin to transition (meaning the effects of taking hormones, obvious changes such as surgeries, but then more subtle changes such as mannerisms, clothing choices, and the like.) For me, my evolution has been steady, but perhaps more slower going. My voice did seem to change within a few weeks, but like a pubescent boy's voice, my voice would break, squeak, and get deeper. And deeper still. After one full year of being on testosterone, I think my voice has perhaps "leveled out" or plateaued at a semi-permanent deeper state. Thankfully, it is a voice a rather like. (Man, that would have sucked! To have a new voice I hated for most of eternity...)
Some people say that my facial features have been modified by the "t" (testosterone) in the past year. A few friends have commented that my jaw seems more square, which is tough to believe it could have become any more pronounced than it already was pre-t. Other has said that my eyebrows seem to also be more angular, and frame my face differently. I see myself everyday, so I can't tell those kinds of changes as much.Clothes fitting me differently is obviously a bit easier for me to spot. Not being able to button the top button on some of my past favorite dress shirts, now that my shoulders and neck have grown exponentially from fastitious work outs. Sad that I have seemingly lost most of my wardrobe by bulking up my upper half, and slimming down my lower half. It's easier to belt baggier pants, than it is to stretch out a sweater that is now super fitted. Ugh~ These more fitted shirts, sweaters, etc make my shoulders and upper arms look uber-fit, but also reveal the "girliness" of my chest, not as much fun in the end...
So it is now simply the days that I count until this will change. Within two weeks I will be having "top surgery" to modify the appearance of my chest to make it look more masculine. I am trying to see this as a way to focus, and get things in order before the big day. The "final countdown" ~ if you will...
