things to not say...

I am finding many things that I have said accidentally in emails, blogs, messages, etc that I wish I hadn't. Seems like my fleeting moments of "foot in mouth" syndrome (from being an unwieldy sagittarian) has only gotten worse while on pain meds.

Things to NOT say:

1. Don't tell people you care about that you want them to "feel badly" about asking you a simple question, when the word "don't" was omitted accidentally. I don't want you to feel badly... ugh~ Obviously, I am referring to something I said to someone important. Sometimes you can't take things back... (How did Rush Limbaugh get away with his oxycontin binges? Was he such a blathering dick before no one noticed the difference with his incoherent narcotic rants? damn it all!)

2. Please don't use the greeting: "Hey girl" with me. (My mother has taken a liking to using the term "girl" as a nickname for me. She has for years. Ironic, no?) It really doesn't fit anymore with my baritone voice and modified body. So, I'd like to ask that we all skip the "hey girl/lady/ms thang" kind of sentiments when directed my way. I can understand that the pronoun thing might be a bit more difficult to shift immediately, or when I finally change my name legally... But can we at least make this one omission from our venacular?

3. Please don't tell me that my shoulders look tense, and that I just need to relax. My family keeps saying this to me, and without wanting to get graphic, my stitches and sore muscles have me stuck in this semi-permanent "protective" stance. It has been frustrating to find a response to offer my father that doesn't dip into the increasingly pissed tone that I want to be delivering, as I wish I could show him my scars to get him to back off. It's not simply a matter of me relaxing my shoulders. I promise... So, if you see me, just accept that I am a little uncomfortable, and might be sitting awkwardly in the chair across from you...

4. And whatever you do, please don't ask "so when they removed the tissue from your chest, did they redeposit it in your abdomen and face? You look a little bloated." I haven't been able to take a coffee mug off the second shelf in the cabinet, let alone work out for three weeks, so I am feeling the effects of losing my "boyish" figure. My vanity will be the death of me. Hard to do sit ups when everything seems to surprisingly be connected to very sore chest/lat muscles. Even getting out of bed in the morning has become Olympic feat. Ouchie. I have seemingly created my very own veal pen. Looking forward to getting out to pasture.

Off to NYC tomorrow, then back down to DC later in the week. So, if you see me, please remember these guidelines. (Not like I can swing any punches, but I've found talking about the details of recent surgical procedures to be all the weapons I need... Don't make me bust out the pics...)