The Leap~

I am beginning to think that all things worth doing in life involve some sort of leap of faith.

(I must preface this statement by admitting that I am not the most experienced person with the concept of faith. Having been baptised, raised, and "confirmed" as a Roman Catholic, I was constantly on the nuns' shit lists, as I asked the wrong questions. Questions like: "Are our pets going to heaven?" "Why was it okay for Jesus to hang out with prostitutes, but I am wrong for having a crush on the cute Jewish girl next door?" "What does the 'H' in 'Jesus H. Christ'stand for?" Riiiight. That said, I am not so great at blind faith.)

Lately I have been having some really intense conversations with a few close friends. We've been talking about the subjects of love, relationships, when to get married, when to break up, having babies, themes of struggling, changing, and of healing. It has been a huge catharsis to find people willing to share their experiences, and even swap with mine.

All of these things keep coming back to the same question: "How will I know?" (Yes, Whitney Houston was on to this revelation way before me... Sad, isn't it?)

How will I know if we are supposed to break up, get together, have a baby, write off that pissy friend, go to that party, quit my job, start that new business, or re-locate the station of my nipples??? Jokingly I wrote in a chat with a friend that "all of the computations are in" and all answers pointed to ____. As if life really was that simple. As if having "evidence" was really ever enough. But it often isn't, is it?

There always seems to be gap, which is infinitely small, but just large enough to cast a shadow of doubt dark enough for us to be completely blind about the subjects most important to us.



What do we do?


How did I know a year ago that I was ready to finally start taking testosterone, after feeling boyish my whole life, and identifying as "trans" since I was 19?

I didn't. I was never 100% sure. I knew that not exploring the options felt like a slow death to me. I had spent everyday wondering "what if" regarding everything. Will I still be loved? Will my girlfriend leave me, my family abandon me, my boss fire me, etc~ But we still subconsciously reserve the option to be wrong. "I will do this thing, and god, I hope I don't fuck things up more."

There was another trans guy I had met years back, and while out to dinner one night he admitted that he was never sure either. There was something so incredibly liberating about that confession he shared. I was not the only one who was unsure... The great thing about testosterone is that it is a substance that has to be taken every two weeks ongoing~into the unforeseen future. Meaning: It can be stopped at any point. There are some effects of taking t that can't be reversed, but many of them come on so slowly that with each shot I reminded myself that I was okay if this was the last shot I ever took. And each time I was okay, and the next, I was still okay. Here it is a year later. But with surgery there was no build up, it just was or wasn't. At a certain point I was just ready for it to happen.

There were a million things that could have gone wrong. A million side effects, or bad reactions that others could have had to my decision. But with all of that, even with all of the doubts, lack of convincing evidence that it was exactly the right idea~ I was ready to take that leap of faith. Just as I was ready to take the leap of faith before I started t. Before I last fell in love... Before I signed a lease on my home...

There are things we simply "know" that require no debate. There are some things seem to be driven my some unexplainable force that sweeps us up in the momentum. Then there are the others that make us wonder. Will this be the right choice? Is that margin of error going to bite me in the ass, and ruin everything? Will I regret this new change in my life? Is this the biggest mistake I have ever made?

Maybe it could be easy enough to live life coasting on auto-pilot, never having to be challenged into making big decisions for welcomed transitions. But that would be so boring. Living the life that is completely devoid of any challenge and doubt. To me, wondering is the best part. What could this life of mine become? What could I do to feel like my life is fully realized? How will transitioning make me feel more complete, resolved? No matter how many times I tried to summons a guess, only taking that leap could produce the actual quantifiable answers.

Despite all of my pessimistic predictions to shield myself from possible failure, I was also delaying the option for happiness. I postponed my happiness for years. I was miserable, clinically depressed, and just plain bored with my life. I am not saying that I have everything worked out now, but I do understand that eternally waiting in the wings will never bring resolution.

I have found that things feel exponentially more terrifying if we only see them from the top of that metaphorical ledge before before we take that leap. Once we have decided what we want to enrich our lives, and we are ready to take that leap of faith~things don't seem nearly as big and oppressive. Having taken those leaps, I have no regrets, and look forward to whatever challenges will surface next to keep it interesting.


Here is to all that makes us wonder, keeps us curious about how much more there is to living ~ and all that inspires us to take that leap of faith.