Exchange

Recently and resistently, I joined Facebook under my new name. It's a bit of an awkward process, as many older friends or "friends of friends" might not understand the context of my life these days. Beyond that, they simply might not know who the hell I am with said new name, and a stick on stache in the profile pic. (I feel like Clark Kent. Something as subtle and silly as this sticky strip of faux fur somehow confirms my completely "new" identity. Odd.)

One of the people that recognized me is an old friend from college. (One who hit me in the head with a hammer for funzies. Just kidding. It wasn't fun. It was for a good cause. Should we note that I never considered transitioning before this "accident?" Thanks, Heidi~this is all on you!)

Here are some excerpts from our recent exchanges which I found to be somewhat funny.


My last posting here was the list of changes I noticed since my transition, which I clipped from an email I wrote to this friend. Here is her response.

I have no witty retort -- but HOLY CRAP! I mean, it makes sense -- I just never though about it in that sort of detail. It's kind of like you are the living battle of the sexes peace negotiator! Gender mediation -- there's your new field.
"As a former female, I felt x, y, z... But now as a male I feel p, d, q."

gender mediator. i love it. i feel like it's some weird fringe super hero. like i'd need a shawl more than a cape...

It's funny -- I was saying to Sujal (hubby), that it's hard for me to fully grasp your change -- that you were the chick that all the chicks had a crush on in college -- so it's challenging to think of you so differently. We've been talking a lot about identity at my school this year -- it's our "diversity" theme. One of the things we talked about is one creating one's own identity VS the one that others create for an individual by how they perceive that individual. One we create; one is imposed on us. Clearly this hurdle for me is because of the perception I had of you -- not your perception of you. Anyway -- blah blah blah musings. It probably seems so touchy-feely-girlie to you now. ;)

i can't tell you how much i appreciate your distinguishing the difference between the identities that we assume for ourselves, vs what others project on to us. HUGE difference sometimes, and very frustrating. people had often just assumed that since i was female bodied and dated women that i (and ALL of my partners) must be lesbian(s). which was actually not the case. i never felt like a woman, so therefore since lesbians could only be women~it never really felt like it fit... since i was a kid i have always felt boyish, and so many women (and gay men) that i have been involved with commented on how they liked me because of that boyishness. most of those women have been straight, and therefore they weren't lesbians either... so, as you say, many projections on to me about identities and assumptions about orientations. (and thanks for the flattery of saying all the chicks had crushes on me in college! heh heh.)

i guess hearing stuff like that makes me hopeful that maybe i won't be alone forever... not to sound dumb, but having transitioned, now passing can ironically be a bit more intimidating.

i was being interviewed for the second installment yesterday by this sociologist studying trans issues. he was asking me during both interviews how i don't identify as a "MAN" now, and he seemed to be almost shocked that i don't id that way. i said that i identify as trans. for me, i really do feel more in the middle, and embrace what that means to me. but am scared of that context when i think about relationships ~ me in relation to someone else... there was the question of authenticity. this is just for myself, but i don't feel like "an authentic man." and i certainly don't feel "male" as that connotes sex ~ chromosomes ~ things that (in MY mind) can't be changed by simply taking hormones or having countless surgeries. that is the genotype, versus phenotypes ~ the displays of behaviors, actions, etc. chromosomally i am still and will always be "xx" female. but having taken hormones, and having surgery, it makes it easier to pass as a man, but my body is not fully masculinated. (not to be too crude, but bottom surgeries available for transmen are so far off from "the real thing" where as bottom surgeries for transwomen are much more successful, and look more realistic. again, not to be too crass, but the fact that i am looking like a guy but don't have a dick, it can make things more complicated... identity wise, and relationship-wise...)

I obviously think a lot about identity, myself... This year I taught the class, and we read Bharati Mukherjee. She is an Indian immigrant, now a US citizen, and she tends to write about the modern immigrant experience. Coming from a fairly working class background and going to a place like Bennington - I remember Roland Merullo saying something like, "There's no handbook for social class jumping."

but i see the relevance in a statement like roland's. culturally we think so much about the american dream, this concept of escaping the reality of whatever situation into which we were born, and creating ourselves anew~but there really is no handbook for how to do just that, on any level. there are get rich quick schemes, and lose weight fast systems advertised ad nauseum, but really nothing of substance to talk about moving about different social strata, be it class or gender or even cultural. is there? am i dumb or missing it? (should that be the elle article? a how to guide for "social jumping" for trannies? uh, probably not...)

Regarding a how-to book/article/guide -- I think that's precisely it -- one can't be definitively written, mainly because we cannot account for all of the variables. I think our best "guides" are fellow human beings -- and even then, they fall short in terms of providing a fail-proof plan. Frankly -- that search for a fail-proof plan is dull. Most of the fun of life is navigating blindly. I like to grope around. Who am I kidding -- I just like to grope. ; ) Actually the word "grope" has always creeped me out a little.

----> so how does it work then, exactly?