Transparents

I haven't been writing much for this venue, as I have been trying to focus my energies for the piece that I will be submitting to Elle Magazine. (Biting my nails on that one! How do I know where to begin? Anne Slowey told me to just write and write and write, and not to stop, not to self edit. I hope she doesn't end up regretting that advice!)

It's been an interesting few weeks. So many wild intersections of my life these days.

One of the trans listserves that I am on illuminated the topic of depression. A very sweet younger guy brought up his battles with self destruction, and asked the group for suggestions and support. There was one response in particular that really humbled me. It was from a fellow who is in his late thirties, as he discussed his own experiences with similar demons. I could really relate to what he was sharing with the group. Talking about his bouts of depression, and the courses that it sometimes took, such as cutting, etc. But he talked about things in such an open, and self reflective way. As he spoke, it was clear that so much of those negative reactions no longer work for him. There was something so liberating to hear about his changes, and how gently and respectfully he reached out to this younger guy. I was inspired. At the bottom of his response he included his blog address, so I checked it out.

Amazing.

It humbled me in many ways. To hear that this guy had given birth to six kids, and has been happily married for 20 years ~ it granted me so much hope. His partner not only stayed by his side during his transition, but was excited to explore new elements to their dynamic ~ what we might all wish to happen: have people we love stand by us. But beyond his romantic relationship, he had six children, with who, he also would have to negotiate these newer developing changes. And that is the part that really put me in awe, and gave me a little more perspective. I think having kids and finding a balance in one's life can be challenging enough. But to then create a revolution to his extent in one's life is just incredible to me. I think about all of the ways my connections to people made me afraid to change, and I am so honored to be able to read Edward's words about how grateful he is to make these necessary shifts in his life. Even with challenges that he faces with some of the struggles his children face within their own lives, unrelated to his transition ~ I wish him all of my support, and have been changed by his words.

His blog is: http://ftmfamilyadventures.blogspot.com

Then a relative new comer to the local DC trans group that I co-facilitate sent the link to the Advocate article about the trans dad in Oregon, who stopped taking testosterone after 8 years to become pregnant. It was written by the subject, Thomas Beatie, and defines some of the problems he has faced in his position. It has created a media frenzy, and brought up a lot of issues for me.


That article can be found here: http://www.advocate.com/issue_story_ektid52664.asp

Oddly enough, when I was 28/29 suddenly out of no where, I wanted to have kids. To me, it was blatantly that "biological clock" thing that most women speak of, but I had never experienced it before. Honestly, I kind of thought that it was a load of crap, having more to do with social pressures and such. I think that I stand corrected now.

So, I had a conversation with my best friend Jules, who had recently transitioned himself. (Back story: Jules and I had gone to college together, but were four years apart. I was older... In my younger days at college before Jules arrived i spoke openly with friends about wanting to transition, but never quite knew how or when. As I got older, I spoke about it less openly, and candidly, especially when I moved out of the collegiate incubator in which I lived, and found myself back in the real world. After his own graduation, Jules moved to San Francisco, and then New York, where he realized that he wanted to make that leap, and begin hormones, and soon after have top surgery. Part of me was jealous, but I also knew that I was not ready, but I couldn't fully articulate what exactly it was that was holding me back, preventing me from embarking on what I felt like I wanted since I was 19. At 29, it hit me.)

I wanted to have kids. Not only be a parent but HAVE kids, give birth to them, which I have never wanted in my life. Ever. When I was 19, I began dating Julia, and we just fit. We spoke of someday getting married and having a family together, as she really wanted to have children. We moved to the SF Bay Area together, and played house, even as we babysat our neighbor's infant. It felt like foreshadowing. Then after several years, we broke up, and the dream of having a family dissolved. It wasn't until I was 29 that this reprise came flooding back about wanting children, but now in a new way of wanting to give birth.

Jules and I were talking on the phone, catching up about all of the things he's noticed during the early stages of his transition, and I was mesmerized. So many nuances, and details. It was really fascinating to hear and witness. Then he turned to me, and asked me about my own desires to begin that process. I nervously said that suddenly I was faced with this drive to have children, to give birth, and then transition as a single parent. I had spoken ad nauseum about it with my therapist, who really got in those trenches with me to excavate some of those answers. I felt weirdly resolved. I spoke to Jules about all of the options that I had researched, and even about some of the guys I met at a trans social group outside of Baltimore, who were "Moms" before they transitioned. I met some of their well adjusted kids. The whole thing really resonated with me, despite never having any idea that it would have.

Both Jules and I did film and video work, and we had toyed with the idea of doing a documentary together. Next thing I knew Jules asked if he could crash with me as he was coming to interview one of the trans-dad's that I mentioned to him a few months earlier. He started to make a documentary on Trans guys that gave birth to their biological children. I was so jealous that he had such a brilliant idea for a documentary, and was so honored when he said at the Los Angeles screening of his film that he "made the film for his best friend." I wept in the audience, as no one had ever done something so remarkable "for" me... And as much as the film might have come from our discussions, it was his brilliant idea, and his fortitude that brought it to fruition, while it received accolades in the festival circuit and got picked up by the biggest queer film distributor in the US. Amazing. So proud of him.

That was 2005, when he completed his film Transparent. Then out of no where, several years later there has been a resurgence of interest in his film, as Oprah shot a segment about it (as she herself watched my friend's doc), and now with this Beatie story being a media blitz, everyone is contacting Jules to get rights to show a clip of a similar trans dad that he featured in his film. Inside Edition wanted to use a clip, and just last night Transparent was featured on 20/20. (The part that makes me nervous is that the fellow that my friend Jules interviewed years ago has moved, and in his new life, he is not out as trans to his community. I hope that so many journalists digging up info on older stories with similar themes do not hit him too harshly in this new stealth life of his.)

Jules website for that film is: www.transparentthemovie.com

And lastly, while speaking to my other best friend Melanie, someone I have known since I was 16, she mentioned last night that one of her photo students in LA reminds her of me when I was younger. She gave this student this blog address, and when I woke up this morning, I found several new comments posted.

One of the things mentioned in the comments posted by MVS is this interconnectedness of our lives these days with things like blogs and websites delivering these kinds of intimate stories right onto our laps (or laptops). About this ability to "know" about others' lives in excruciating detail, but perhaps never even seeing their face in person.

I see that myself all of the time, where I get so consumed by analyzing other people's experiences. It pushes me further, and forces me to think about things from new possible perspectives. Kind of like this grand baton relay, that has gone on through out history, where we offer up what we have learned and experienced to see if it may be of use to others, without even recognizing that pattern sometimes. (This is why I can get embarrassingly obsessive about documentaries, biographies and auto-biographies sometimes.) I want to know more about the human experience, and all that it entails and includes. I want to find my place in the world, and hearing how others find their places helps me draw my own maps, charts and graphs...

Thanks to all that have helped me chart my way here, and for making connections when we didn't "have" to ~ it makes all the difference.

(My email address is selfmadewill@gmail.com if people want to contact me directly about any of this.)