Hot Toddies.

In trying to think of things to say, I find that I am waking up slowly on this Sunday morning. Late last night I had all of these inspiring ideas for the blog, after hitting the town running (well, stammering, and trying to hide the grenade shaped flasks that the receive the drained blood, running down the extended tubes following the length of my torso.)

My friends Melanie and Ali took me out last night, since I was going a bit stir crazy. The cabin fever I feared most finally did kick in, and I got a bit antsy. So, I got all dolled up (unfortunately I tried to wear a uber soft navy blue button down shirt, and an equally soft black zip up cardigan~neither of which really fit me anymore, since my shoulders became so much more buff from working out over the past four months. Melanie kept teasing me as we tried to squeeze my swollen, tender body into these "fitted" articles, as we were curious of the "losses" would have evened out the muscle gain~but the shirt was still quite tight... I hadn't wore either since last year, when apparently I was much smaller through the shoulders, despite my now smaller chest. sigh~)

We then put on my dark, slightly whiskered jeans, my favorite boots, my herringbone grey jacket, and bright variegated striped cashmere scarf. I felt so dapper, as I tried to tuck away the disgusting blood tinged grenades in the back jean pockets. I looked great considering I am a few days post op, until the grenades slipped out of my pocket, and swung like an incriminating, creepy pendulum that sealed my fate. It was bad enough that they do keep falling off whatever item I have clipped them on to~but to have it happen in public is a bit more socially awkward. (Embarrassing to have anything suddenly fall off your body, and drop towards the floor. insert bad sight gag here ________.) Plus, the physiological feeling of the drop was a bit intense. As they would suddenly tug at the incisions under my arms, and inches from my stitched up wounds. Tugging in an area so sensitive is not so fun. Especially when I was excited about having so much nerve sensation, and then have it practically work against me. Ooooof.

So, Mel, Ali and I went to this bourgie diner in city, not too far from my house. By the time we had decided to rough it, it had begin to pour outside. Fitting somehow... As discrete as I wanted to be, feeling like I was wrapped like a mummy, and must have obviously been the target of many stares and questions, with my protected stance, and my tightened shoulders~I was sitting in the back of the restaurant, under this mini spotlight. Usually, I wouldn't have been cognizant of these types of lighting situations, but last night, I felt like everything about me was under a huge microscope.

Mel & Ali were very conscientious to ensure that my drains were tucked away out of sight, while others dined around us. God, can you imagine? I'm such a dork... We had a great time, as I have never felt happier. Both Mel and Ali remarked how I appeared to be beaming, as I passed it off as just the spotlight catching that twinkle in my green eyes, but I think they were right.

This was the first time that I got to experience my newly reshaped body in the real world. I got to see how it would be received~ how I would be received... And it was amazing. But it was more like the subtlety of how great we feel when we go in for a teeth cleaning, versus get the best hair cut we've ever had. It was subtle, and understated. My clothes were layered, and my chest still "bound" behind the gauze and compression vest. It was not so much about being noticed, as much as it was about the lack of spectators interested in stealing a glance. This has always been my fear~when people found something in my appearance to be incongruent with the rest of my body's disposition. Formerly, as they might have found "bumps"on this chest ~ in direct contradiction to my lower voice, and broad shoulders... It was so liberating to not have to worry about people even considering that "bumps" may have once resided there... It was fucking amazing...

We had the best dinner of my life, even though it was just dumb diner food. We walked around a bit after dinner, and I had them drive around a bit to show these guys my city. When we came home, we were so relieved to be out of the rain, and watched some bad tv under big blankets. They made Hot Toddies, and got almost tipsy in our slumber party-esque affairs.

It was our last hurray before Ali leaves today, and Jules comes to town. Changing of the guards.