well...

things went well with my parents. i was at their house before they got back from work in an attempt to prepare myself for seeing them for the first time. it was good to see my mom, but i wasn't sure what to say. so i didn't say much of anything, which for those who know me ~ it's kind of rare for me to be at a loss for words. (clearly this blog shows that...)

we hung out as she did some stuff around the house, and we waited for my dad to come home. shockingly to me, he had more to say, more general questions to ask, and kept offering to get me tea, and the like. i can't complain...

after a life time of complicated ~ and even negative ~ exchanges with the guy, i am learning that things can always change for the better. i am seeing that despite all of the defense mechanisms that i have honed for just such instances, sometimes being open to things being okay, or even "good" can be its own revolution.

things are okay. defenses not needed, and i am at a loss. so many projections for things being horrible. so many times i have pulled myself away from potentially bad social situations in order to protect myself from the "what if's" that could have been damaging. and now see that despite those fears still lingering around, that i can still press on, and not only be okay, but find some comforting allies along the way. crazy...

i need to stay open to the possibilites~