Can do...

In the midst of a challenging time right now, I have been reaching out to my best friends and trying to regain my balance. I received a very humbling email from one of my best friends while I was writing the last blog entry posted. Receiving her email literally had me in chills and in tears (which is tough do so since I have started testosterone). I was so moved by her words and offerings, and her timing could not have been better. The sentiments shared with me were so profound that I asked permission to post them here, changing names where necessary.

I hope this may resonate with others as well...

hey Will-- that was quite an email. It gets me thinking about a lot of things... and mostly that I wish we could get a drink and talk in person! But it also makes me think about a talk my Dad had with me when we were shooting baskets when I was nine or ten years old. I am not sure how he got going on this, but I recall that he was adamant that I understand this at a young age:

That people, even-- and sometimes especially-- friends and family members who love me, will often not want me to challenge myself to accomplish things. It is nothing personal to me, it is human nature. They will tell me that I CAN'T do things that I say I want to do. They won't mean to hold me back consciously. They will say that they really want the best for me-- only the very best. But when I try to do anything out of the ordinary, amazing, challenging... they will express themselves subtly but very clearly through words and actions: "you can't." And they might not even realize they are doing it, they might deny it or they might say they are doing it to protect me.

He went on: But what they are really doing is desperately clinging to the safety of their reality of life and their relationships and the world. By trying to do something extraordinary, I will be exposing the people around me who aren't (or feel they aren't) pursuing any of their dreams-- maybe the dreams people have been talking them out of their whole lives. And that will be an awful feeling for them. So rather than face all that down, they will try to retreat to "the way things have always been" and they will try very hard to make me come with them. And the more earth-shattering my plans are, the more wildly they will defend themselves from it. And, sometimes it will be the people who are closest to me who will do this the most, because they have the most to lose by me growing and changing and, maybe, leaving them behind.
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It was a heavy trip to lay on a kid. But he said he was just so afraid that I might go into to the world trusting that people will look out for me and want the best for me, and that I might believe them when they tell me I can't do something. And you know what Will?? He was totally right about everything. This has almost happened to me many times-- never from him and never from (my partner), thankfully. But girlfriends, relatives, friends, advisers!-- they have all done this with me. When I said I want to move across the country with basically no money to become a carpenter, when I decided to be a doctor...run a marathon...quit OBGyn to go into public health...etc. These things are not even all that Earth-shattering. But just enough for the people who fear they will be "left behind" in the process or exposed for their "ordinariness" or something. But in every single instance, even though I was hurt or confused by their reactions, I remembered what my dad said, and I did not believe them. And I forgave them for it. Because they didn't mean to do this to me. And what's more, I might have even done this to them sometime. This is human nature, sadly.

I cannot even imagine how threatening it is to (some) that you are taking charge of your life, your body and your whole gender expression in the world. Talk about Earth-shattering! I am not at all surprised that you have found (them) driven to extremes to keep you from doing this awesome work. I don't mean to reduce your whole dynamic to this, but I just really thought it was important to pass on my Dad's thoughts. I am sure you have already realized he's right-- but you have probably learned it the hard way over the years.

You are at a crucially important point in your life now, and it is essential that you surround yourself with people who will tell you that you CAN create and grow into the life you want. And if there are still those people around you who whisper their doubts or hack away, please, you just cannot believe what they tell you. They are delirious with fear.

Thank you to everyone who has told me that I can do this... That I can find peace in this body, in this life, and in all of my experiences. I am sorry to all of whom I have told that they couldn't do something. I see now how crippling that can be. And I see how hearing that my whole life has made it even more important to learn this lesson of liberation for myself. Anything is possible... We are worth our dreams. Maybe my only real dream was to step out of that spiral of negative sabotage. Slowly, that dream is being realized. Thanks for helping me get here.