Recovery

Hello, my name is Will.

And I am an addict.

I am addicted to my own self-destruction, and to loving harmful things in my life. I am codependent and crave loving those who never love me quite enough, so I can continue to believe that I am unlovable, and broken.

I was tested. Tempted.

What I crave most was offered up to me~the opportunity craft my own demise upon hearing some devastating news from someone I thought I loved. I was tested. I thought it was her test, testing me...

But ultimately I see that it was my test. Yes, I fell into a mini pit of despair upon hearing some rough news. (Are we ever as graceful as we would hope when we hear such news?) After a few hours, I slowly tried to muster up enough forgiveness and compassion for myself to remind myself ~ yes, in fact, this is difficult.

I see that this was my test. Could I resist the temptation to return to the self-destruction I used to know? Could I resist the desire to reach for that someone with whom I had hoped to have a future? Could I step up out of feeling so rejected and unlovable?

The answer is yes. Not only can I now see that I am okay ~ and will still feel the temptation to return to those self-defeating cravings ~ but I see that I have resisted. Time and time again ~ for six months.

That for over a year and a half I have been investing in my own wellness. My health ~ my severing all ties with codependence. That these past six months specifically were invested in my own development, my own transition on ALL levels.

Someone asked me if I regretted knowing this hurtful news. My answer is no. I needed to know if I could resist the temptation to return to my addiction. As sad as that news made me, it has ~ in part ~ transformed. That sadness is now also met with the most unbelievable sense of pride that I can quantify my progress, my development, my true investment in my own well being.

How would I have known how strong I am if I was never tempted to go back to my old ways? Now the tough part is sifting through the residual effects these epiphanies. Those losses suffered, and these gains affirmed.

My name is Will. I am an addict. I haven't "used" in six months.

Man, that feels so damn good to say. To challenges that we don't think we can endure~and to the pride and relief we feel when we do... How is this pain and most challenging test exactly what I needed?

Here is to making better choices, investing in ourselves, and surrounding ourselves with inspiring people willing to do their own work, and helping us do ours. Thank you to all of you that have helped get me here~either by your support or by your testing me. I am here none the less, and for that I am so unbelievably relieved. Just imagine, we can actually be healthy and see that recovery is possible. I am recovering...