Quote of the Day - Marie Curie - "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood."
That was some quote of the day from gmail the other day... I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, so I was hoping that starting on that note might help. Eeeeeeeeeeh. Maybe not.
My friend Danni came with me to file the paperwork in the DC District Courts to begin my name change. She said that she came with me because she could imagine how intense the process might feel, and she knew if it was her, she wouldn't want to be there alone. It was nice to have the company, as it is such a surreal experience. And even nicer to not have to ask. I didn't really know that was an option...
Another friend of mine and I were talking about "official business" that overlaps with our personal lives. She is in the midst of contemplating a divorce~ a very emotionally charged separation, sad to say, for her sake. We commiserated about how what is most private, awkward or painful in our lives HAS to be made public. That we can not go through these experiences unscathed. What makes us feel most vulnerable ultimately will be revealed to the world, first to our most intimate cohorts, then slowly devolving into a gossip fest. You know you're done with the state worker on the other side of the bullet proof glass window askes you to raise your right hand before she notorizes your broken heart.
My pending name change is not breaking my heart, but I did find myself welling up the night before I went to the courthouse. Someone keeps asking me if I am sure if I want to go through with this. Just because it is emotional for me does not mean that I am waivering. It's just tough. Giving up the name I have known my entire life is difficult. Especially considering that my name is a Hawaiian/Italian combo~making me the only one in history with these names put together (Lani Jayne Iacovelli). Our names are so intertwined with our identities, and our family relations. I am rejecting what I was given~the intentional choice my parents made to give me a name that would be historically unique.
People are rallying around me to start testing out this new name of mine: "Will Alexander Warren" ~ kind of plain in justaposition to my given name. I appreciate the effort. Yet, other protested, telling me how my new name should be closer to my old to make the transition easier for others. And that's just it... That is why this part of my transition feels the hardest to me: specifically because this element requires that other participate. It is a bit easier to tell if people are "supporting" the new name and masculine pronouns than if they thought top surgery or hormones were a good idea. I don't mean for this to be a test, an ultimatum. But we are here now.
Are you here with me? Your friend~Will
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I'm here with you if you'll have me.
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